I Must Escalate! I Must Escalate!

One rarely stops to think about it, but there are just so many benefits every American enjoys everyday from the glories of outsourcing our jobs overseas. The benefits are virtually limitless. We Americans can get cheaper goods, at cheaper prices, at cheaper retail outlets, who luckily pay their workers cheaper wages. And since all those goods are made overseas the liberals among us will be happy as peaches because the US no longer has any domestic industry. Why would that make them happy? Because that means all those manufacturing plants that pollute the air will no longer be dirtying up Amurican air.

But with all these benefits, one thing we rarely think about, is the occasional joy we Americans get when we get to talk to one of those very people who have an outsourced job that some American once had. Sure, we don’t get to come across it often, but when we do, it’s always a pleasant gem to angrily discuss some technical issue with someone who has only the faintest grasp of English.

Since this is such a rare experience in modern American society, I thought I should share such an experience I had recently, when contacting a representative from Earthlink, who I poised the daunting question, “Why is my DSL service downloading slower than your average dail-up?” Here is the actual conversation that followed, with the sole edits being our handles and my personal information:

Welcome to Earthlink LiveChat. Your chat session will begin shortly.

Not at home and you want to read your email? With EarthLink Web Mail you can check your email from any computer with an internet connection!

Chat Information 'Earthlink Puke' says: Thank you for contacting EarthLink LiveChat, how may I help you today?

Me: I have a slow connection, and I've had it since last Friday. I tested my speed and it's at 27 kbps. That’s downstream. Upstream is at 130.

Earthlink Puke: I apologize for inconvenience this may causing you. I assist you, let us work and find the cause and resolve issue. Do you have a router?

Me: a router?

Earthlink Puke: Through router we can connect multiple computers.

Me: no, I have an external modem and I only connect with this computer

Earthlink Puke: Open Internet Explore window click on Tools ---->Internet Options ---->Click on Delete cookies and click OK then click on Delete files and click OK.

Me: alright. generally speaking though I use mozilla as my browser.

Earthlink Puke: Okay, please delete cookies in browser.

Me: alright. done.

Earthlink Puke: Make sure your DSL device is not near any of the following as they can cause interference...

Halogen lamps
Fluorescent lights
Scanners
900 MHz cordless phones
Cell Phones
Ham radios
AM radios
Electrical interference (don't put the router near a Monitor, UPS or motor driven device)
Dialup Modem, fax, or other device on the same phone line
Microwave oven
A shoddy phone cord
Home security/Alarm system#PFR#/BBT/Wir/Gen/IntermittentSync

Me: it's not. I haven't changed my setup recently since my connection slowed to a crawl. I was getting around 3 megs downstream last Friday.

Earthlink Puke: Have you installed any antivirus software in your computer?

Me: no, I haven't.

Earthlink Puke: What is most likely causing this problem is that your system resources are too low for your computer or some program running in the background is conflicting with the rest of your system. Remove the unwanted programs from StartUp using the below steps.

Me: ok…

Earthlink Puke: I will provide you with the steps. Remove the unwanted programs from StartUp using the below steps.

01. Click on Start button
02. Click on Run
03. Type msconfig
04. Click Ok , click on Startup tab.
05. Remove the check from program you don't want to start with the
Windows Startup.
Note: Please make sure that you uncheck files, those are not necessary for normal system startup.
You may uncheck any file, where you find the File path something like "C:\Program Files\ ..."
06. Click OK.
07. Restart your computer.

This will resolve the issue.

Me: Yes, I know how to do a start-up configuration. That’s not the problem. I just checked my task manager and i'm only using 2 to 4 percent of CPU usage. I suspect it's more of a network issue.

Earthlink Puke: In order to fix the issue I need to escalate the issue.

Me: You need to do what?

Earthlink Puke: I have to escalate the issue, I need some information.

Me: Okay. I don’t know what that means, but what information do you need?

Earthlink Puke: 1.Let me know the Preferred Contact phone number: (cell phone if available)
2.Does contact number have an answering machine or voicemail on preferred contact number?
3.Let me know the Earliest and Latest Contact Time at Preferred Contact Number.
4.Let me know the Latest Contact Time at Preferred Contact Number.
5.What is the Time Zone?
6.Let me know Preferred Email Address for Contact.
7. Do you stay in house or appartment

Me: :::giving this nutball my personal information:::

Earthlink Puke: Thank you for information.

Me: welcome.

Earthlink Puke: I have escalated the issue to our engineers they will check the line status will resolve the issue.

Me: alright.

Earthlink Puke: This is the Case number for further reference: :::6 didget number::: For further reference contact. Our Ticketing response operations network department.

Ah, the joys of quality customer service. Hey you Comcast assholes, when are you gonna lower your prices?