Wednesday, November 30, 2005

One Year Later.

One year ago today, I started a little blog called Nitwit Planet. In that time I have written 391 posts, with an average of 1.07 posts every day. In that time, between both the journalspace and blogspot sites, Nitwit Planet has been viewed 8,135 times.

I have thoroughly enjoyed this past year, and all the kind comments my readers have made. Thank you all for making Nitwit Planet what it has become.

As NP marks this milestone, I would like to reiterate my original mission. Nitwit Planet is my personal space on the net, for my own political views and opinions, as well as a outlet for news stories I believe my readers need to see. The comments section remains as your own personal space, so by all means use it if you wish, whether you agree with me or not.

One year later, and Nitwit Planet is still going strong. I hope you all have thoroughly enjoyed it, as I have, and will continue to do so in the future.

Thank you all.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

How Low Can The GOP Go?

Amid the never-ending flow of Republican scandals, this week the GOP has reached a brand-new low. The GOP has become so prone to it, that the number of scandals blur like the number of US casualties in Iraq.

Last month we saw the end of Round One in the CIA leak investigation (or Treasongate), leading to the resignation of Vice President Cheney’s Chief of Staff Lewis “Scooter” Libby for obstructing justice. But that is just the tip of the iceberg, once one considers what has happened to this nation since the Bush Crime Family came to power five years ago.

In the last five years we have seen a nation at peace and prosperity fall into a never-ending war on “terrorism.” Since Dubya has taken the reigns, we have seen a large amount of Manhattan wiped out with the World Trade Center, one of the five walls of the Pentagon destroyed, and the entire city of New Orleans wiped out. Strangely, the President did stand on the rubble in New Orleans and declare a war on hurricanes.

In those last five years, Dubya has cut taxes (primarily on the top one-tenth of 1% of wage earners) by 3.9 trillion dollars, while adding nearly another trillion of spending in the federal budget. Meanwhile, the American middle class is becoming increasingly an endangered species, as good paying union jobs continue to flow to China, India, and Mexico, while every single year the US trade deficit has increased to a new high of $66.1 billion dollars in September of 2005.

In the last five years the US has waged two new wars, one in Afghanistan and one in Iraq. With the budgets bleeding red all over the place, the Pentagon has decided that instead of putting US soldiers on potato duty, that they’ll just contract that no-bid work out to Dick Cheney’s former company Halliburton…at ten times the price.

There’s been so much scandal and just plain bone-headedness in this administration, it’s almost enough to make you forget that the PNAC neo-con running Afghanistan, Zalmay Khalilzad is now nothing more than the mayor of Kabul.

And one hardly needs to be reminded of the repeated lies and deceptions that brought us into the war in Iraq, that an individual known as “curveball”, an associate of Ahmed Chalabi, told the Bush administration that he personally knew that Saddam had WMD’s. Unfortunately, German intelligence knew that curveball was lying, and the CIA did too, after they gave him a polygraph test prior to our invasion, which he failed. Still, the Bush administration ran with his claims. The Downing Street Memo reminding us all that the Bushies were fixing the intelligence to the policy of invading Iraq, and a brand new Downing Street memo in the UK paper The Daily Mirror shows that the president wished to bomb the Arabic TV network Al-Jazeera’s headquarters in Doha, Qatar. While Dubya’s apologists call the memo “outlandish”, one needs to be reminded that the US did bomb Al-Jazeera’s bureaus in Afghanistan and in Baghdad in 2001 and 2003, respectively. It’s enough to make one wonder if this President isn’t above nuking CNN or perhaps The Washington Post.

The Post might find itself first in line to that nuking after it reported yesterday that the Bush administration is considering getting the Pentagon to spy on American citizens. A little known Pentagon agency called the Counterintelligence Field Activity is preparing to investigate certain domestic crimes. Senator Ron Wyden (D-OR) said “We are deputizing the military to spy on law-abiding Americans in America.” Who said living in a police state isn’t fun?

With all this going on at the federal level, it’s hard to remember what is going on at the local and state level. Ernie Fletcher, the Republicans governor of Kentucky, when he was running for office in 2003, promised to cut the number of state-employed aids, which Fletcher called “make-work for friends”. But according to The Courier Journal the Kentucky governor has seen those number of aids increase, including a friend of his named Jimmy Holiday. You see, good ole Jimmy is a Transportation Cabinet employee, who was hired to answer phones on a state help desk. Unfortunately, Jimmy refused to do his job, so in an e-mail to a subordinate the Deputy Secretary of Transportation for the state of Kentucky asked, “So do we have another place to put him where he will work? Otherwise put him in a corner and we’ll ignore him.” Those Republicans sure do love to cut wasteful government don’t they? And in case you were wondering, yes, Jimmy Holiday is a registered Republican.

And in further local news, the Republican Governor of Ohio, Bob Taft, has been found guilty of ethics violations and has seen his approval ratings take such a drive that he wishes he had Dubya’s ratings. But the news isn’t all bad for Taft. The good ole Ohio governor was named “The Sexiest Man Alive” by the Log Cabin Republicans, making “Snotty” Scotty McClellan enraged in jealousy.

And speaking of “Snotty” Scotty, has anyone noticed that he’s stopped giving press conferences ever since he said a Marine veteran, Representative Murtha was siding with “the extreme left and Michael Moore”? You’ll remember that the vast majority of Americans want us out of Iraq (I suppose we’re ALL the ‘extreme left’ now). Since “Snotty” Scotty made the comment we haven’t seen hide nor hair of him in the last 20 days. Some insiders are thinking that Scotty is now toast, since he’s lost all his credibility with the press, especially for lying about Rove’s involvement in Treasongate. But I would wager to bet that a certain gay hooker (ahem! I mean reporter!) has at least seen Scotty’s hide recently.

And with the Reich-wing still going nuts over Murtha’s comments, tomorrow President Dubya is expected to make a major speech at the US Naval Academy in Annapolis, MD, in which he is to say that Iraqi security forces are doing “a heck of a job” and that we can now start withdrawing our troops. I will be eagerly awaiting the Bill O’Reillys of the world to call the Dubya a “cut and run” coward who is giving aid and comfort to the enemy, but I won’t hold my breath.

And with all of this insanity raging, Republican Representative “Duke” Cunningham of California resigned his post yesterday, admitting he took $2.4 million in bribes from defense contractors. Cunningham said, “The truth is I broke the law, concealed my conduct, and disgraced my office.” Cunningham, 63, could face ten years in prison for that conduct. It would appear that a certain Texas Republican could learn a lot of Duke. Cunningham may have broken the law and broken his promise to defend the Constitution, but at least he admitted his guilt that will permit him to live with some amount of dignity.

And while Bush continues to push for even more Reich-wing nutcases to sit on the Supreme Court, the highest court in the land is beginning to show some strain. Yesterday, a basketball sized piece of marble from the façade over of the entrance of the Supreme Court fell, crashing onto the steps. One wonders if Pat Robertson will say that this was a sign from God, warning us that Bush’s nominees to the court are just too loony. I putting my money on not.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Happy Turkey Day!

As we Americans today gather with family to enjoy a day off of work (at least for some of us) and to enjoy a lovely Thanksgiving dinner, we should pause to give thanks for all that we have. Here is a short list of things that I am truly thankful for:

1. I am thankful for Virginia voters looking past the insane negative campaigning of Jerry Kilgore, and having the decency to elect Democratic candidate Tim Kaine. Kilgore ran a series off negative ads against Kaine since morally he is against the death penalty. One such ad, featured a woman sitting in a chair in a darkened room with her saying, “When Tim Kaine calls the death penalty murder, I find it offensive, and I don’t trust Tim Kaine to uphold that law.”

Despite that Virginia has the country’s second highest execution rate (right behind Texas), Virginia voters didn’t take kindly to the Republican dirty trick. As it turned out, The Washington Post found that two in three Virginia voters said the ad was “unfair”, and even 60% of those who favored the death penalty said the ads crossed the line. And even though that President Bush stopped by to campaign hard for Kilgore, on Election Day over 100,000 more Virginia voters signed onto the Kaine ticket, making this red-red state now run by a blue Governor opposed to the death penalty.

2. Meanwhile in other parts of the country, the GOP saw even more losses. They lost the governor’s race in New Jersey, and out in California every single one of Fuhrer Groppenegger’s ballot initiatives went down in flames.

3. The shame didn’t end there, as voters in Dover, Pennsylvania voted out eight, count them, eight school board members for shoving “intelligent design” down their children’s necks. This didn’t make wide-eyed Pat Robertson happy at all, and he (again) called down God’s vengeance upon them.

4. Meanwhile, Rep. Jack Murtha, a very hawkish Democrat, came out and spoke out against the war. Murtha called on the troops to be disengaged from Iraq, enraging the Republicans, as that had been their own plan going into the 2006 election. Ohio freshman Republican Jean Schmidt went onto the floor of the House saying that “cowards cut and run, but Marines never do,” making a jab at Murtha’s Marine service. It wasn’t long before a cowardly Jean Schmidt was forced to come before that very same House floor and apologize.

5. In further bad news for the GOP, investigations into the CIA-leak case continues, this time with it coming to light that Bob Woodward was told of Plame’s identity too. Very interesting, considering Woodward had been very vocal in the media about how the CIA-leak was not such a big deal.

6. And while that investigation continues, investigations into GOP lobbyist Jack Abramoff heats up even more, with Tom DeLay’s dirty dealings coming more to light then ever before.

7. Meanwhile, with the Republicans hoping to expand their endless wars into Syria and Iran sometime in the future, Judy Miller has been relieved of her duties from the New York Times. Syria’s future WMDs stockpiles have just evaporated, to the chagrin of the Bush administration.

8. And while all these dirty dealings with the GOP has come more to light, and the approval ratings have tanked, their legislative wins have slowed to a crawl, with Americans everywhere becoming enraged with the GOP plan to privatize Social Security.

9. And most of all, I am thankful that progressive talk radio continues to grow all across the nation. A year ago Republicans were saying that shortly after the election Air America Radio would be toast. In a year and a half the company has grown from 2 lonely stations to 72 stations, adding an additional second line up, and kicking the pants out of every GOP nay-sayer who said they would be dead in the water from day one.

10. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! And whatever you do today, don’t forget to give thanks to that bird you’re eating too.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Religious Freedom For Reich Wingers; Everyone Else Be Damned.

In 1992, the GOP was officially taken over the by Christian Right. Since then they have used the reigns of the party to, as they put it, “defend the assault on Christianity.” But is there really an assault on the Christian faith?

Reich wingers have continually lamented the ACLU, and other independent organizations who work to protect the civil liberties of all Americans. With the ACLU particularly, the Cons have been most vocal with their work on preventing an establishment of religion by the federal government. While Republicans have pushed for the 10 Commandments to be displayed in public facilities, including public schools, the ACLU have worked to protect the religious freedoms of those who are not Judea-Christians.

The Cons have twisted this logic around, saying that they are the ones who are protecting the right of “freedom of religion”, apparently by trying to force their own religion down the rest of the country’s throat. But if this is the case, as they say, then one should expect that they would be protective of all faiths.

That logic quickly falls to the waist side, once you remember that we are waging a war on “terrorism”, which is essentially, Reich-wing code for waging a war against Islam. While the squatter in the White House may be too PC to say it out loud, he has a vast chorus of propagandists, Bill O’Reilly to name just one, who will gleefully attack the Muslim faith for all they can muster.

The Islam fly-in-the-ointment aside, one should at least expect the Reich wing not to attack a Christian church. Well, you would expect wrong.

Earlier this month, The Washington Post reported that Bush’s IRS is attempting to remove the tax-exempt status of All Saints Episcopalian Church in Pasadena, California. IRS law states the churches can keep their tax-exempt status, so long as they do not endorse, or support a political candidate for office. Despite that several Catholic Churches publicly stated that they would not give communion to Kerry voters, much less Kerry himself, in the lead-up to the 2004 election, the IRS instead chose to go after All Saints for a sermon by Rev. George F. Regas, which discussed what Jesus Christ might say to George W. Bush and John Kerry.

The brilliant and moving sermon, which in part stated: “Jesus looking at the United States, the most powerful nation in the history of civilization, disavows any path that affirms grief must lead to war; Jesus refuses to accept the violence of war as the necessary consequences of our tragic losses on September 11th.

“Maybe you are calling Jesus naïve, but he points us to the truest reality in the universe: ‘Mercy brings mercy and revenge brings revenge.’”

Because All Saints preached a sermon that read from Matthew 5:9 “Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the Children of God”, the “Godly Man” in the White House sicced the IRS dogs on them. Meanwhile, on The 700 Club the “Christian Conservative” Pat Robertson gets a complete pass for his comments in October of 2003, when he said, “If I could just get a nuclear device inside [the] Foggy Bottom [section of Washington, D.C.], I think that’s the answer.” If Robertson had been a Muslim he would be enjoying the tropical heat of Guantanamo.

The Reich wing does not favor religious freedom for anyone. They simply want to force you to pray to their “Conservative” God, everyone else be Damned. And despite that nowhere in the Bible does it state that God is in need of the state to enforce Faith, you can count on the GOP for that little extra push. Just don’t tell them that the 10 Commandments doesn’t mention abortion or homosexuality, unless you wish the IRS to come knocking at your door.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

How Can You Win A War Without A Mission?

With the American People long ago having grown tired with Bush senseless war in Iraq, the squatter in the White House has decided to go on the offensive. But not with Iraqi insurgents, but with the overwhelming majority of the American People.

Last Friday, on Veteran’s Day, Bush decided to break with the custom of laying a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown, and instead spend the day using our tax dollars to bash his fellow Americans. Calling those who criticize this idiotic war “deeply irresponsible”, Bush criticized all those who opposed his failed foreign policy on the day normally reserved to honor our fellow Americans who have died defending our freedoms.

Bush went on to re-write history by claiming that his political opponents and indeed the entire world had the same access to information that he did. That, of course, is a lie. The nation’s various intelligence services all report directly to the Executive, and no other branch of government. It was the Bush administration, who days after 9/11 told his administration to link the incident with Saddam. When it had been proven that there were no ties between Hussein and bin Laden, Bush ignored the facts and made the connections anyway. Finally, the Bush administration set up the White House Iraq Group, a separate and new “intelligence” organization, run under the Defense Department, whose sole goal was to fix intelligence to the pre-determined policy of launching a war with Iraq.

With Saddam Hussein now gone, “mission accomplished” having been already declared, two Iraqi elections having been held, and a new Iraqi Constitution in place, Bush still refuses to even discuss a time table for withdrawal. The question must be asked: Why are we still there?

With more and more of our nation’s finest coming home in body bags, the Iraq War continues despite that nobody knows what the mission is, how it can be accomplished, and when we will know when it has been accomplished.

The United States, which once stood as the beacon of the world, and what every nation aspired to be, now is seen as the new Evil Empire, and is the most hated nation in the world, even in Europe. And now our nation’s Commander-in-Chief spends Veteran’s Day by spitting in the face of every great American who has ever put on the uniform . While, to date, 15,477 soldiers have been wounded in this idiotic war for oil, and 2,077 soldiers have been killed, the President has yet to find the time to visit a single one of them as they are laid in their final resting place.

Mr. Bush, when will you come clean with the American People? Why are we still there? What is our mission? And how do we know when we’ve won it, so our troops can come home?

Monday, November 14, 2005

What I Didn’t Find In Alabama: Civilization.

On Tuesday, November 1st, I set out on a 700 plus mile adventure into the eerie and desolate place known as Alabama. I had never visited that state before in my life, and of course I had some expectations, but what I did find, I never would have guessed.

In one day I drove from the fairly upscale suburb of Lake Ridge, Virginia to the town of Pelham, Alabama, which lies about 20 miles south of one of the states two major cities, Birmingham.

I first entered the state via Interstate 59, an interstate so straight, long and boring that it makes the New Jersey Turnpike look exciting. The moment I crossed the state line, the highway suddenly became shitty. This was somewhat expected. What wasn’t expected was that only the left lane was drivable, unless you wished to suffer the repeated bumps and dips in the road. The trucker ahead of me seemed to concur, and we both stayed in the left lane, just the two of us driving this lonely road, making our way through the Alabama night with not a peep of civilization in sight.

12 hours after my journey began, I finally arrived in Pelham. Shortly afterwords, I fell asleep, waiting to soak in all that Alabama had to offer as soon as the sun rose.

I woke up and took a short trip around town, noting my surroundings, and stopping by a gas station to pick up a pack of smokes. Ahead of me in line was a Hispanic woman and her son, who looked to be about seven years old. The woman was buying an international calling card, and her son had to work as an interrupter to tell her that the change she counted out was insufficient. This sort of thing is not all that uncommon in Virginia either, and usually people just sigh, waiting for someone who can’t speak English count out change. Not in Alabama. The woman standing behind me in line, looked at me and said audibly “those goddamned Spics.” The woman at the counter looked up and nodded as she counted the woman’s change. The Hispanic woman left with her calling card to make a call on the pay phone outside, and I got a pack of smokes. The same woman who had nodded at the customer’s racial slur gave me my change and said, “Have a Blessed day.”

I drove up and down the only major road in Pelham, county road 31. I noticed that although there seemed to be places of business, there didn’t seem to be any stores. No movie theaters. No malls. “Pelham Mall” was one of only two strip malls, both of which looked virtually abandoned. The only stores I did recognize was a single McDonalds and Taco Bell. The vast majority of the stores all seem to be gas stations. Days later Clint (not his real name), the friend I was visiting, explained that a lot of youth used the various gas stations as hang outs.

But what would you expect from a place out in the sticks? The next day Clint and I drove north to the city of Birmingham to visit his friend Jack, a guy I didn’t know. The only problem was, that this wasn’t exactly a city at all. From my vantage point from Northern Virginia, it looked more like a not-so-well populated suburb. “Well, maybe it’s just quaint,” I thought. That’s when I met Jack, who asked me right off, “So, what do you think of the asshole of the country?” I shrugged my solders while everyone else laughed. Clint later told me that a lot of people from Alabama say, “oh, Alabama isn’t so bad. Now Mississippi, that’s a shithole!”

While at Jack’s house, he explained that we shouldn’t wonder into the back yard, because his grandfather was back there with the dog. Confused, I asked what was the big deal about that? Jack, avoiding eye contact with me, said that his dog sometimes bit people. I didn’t think much of it. Later that day, I caught a good look at the dog, who wasn’t much bigger than a Weener Dog. Perplexed, I said, “is that what I was supposed to be scared about?” Another friend of Clint’s, Sam, had stopped by, and he said, “that little fucking dog will grab a hold of your ankle and won’t let go.” He lifted his pants leg to show me that he had learned this the hard way. Then Jack finally added that, “plus my grandfather is back there.”

It seemed that Jack’s grandfather was a World War II vet. Jack said that he had been in the second wave of the Normandy invasion. Jack jokingly said that his granddad was still hunting for Nazis in his backyard.

“Huh?” I asked.

“Look” Jack told me.

I looked over around the corner into his back yard. Sure enough, there was his grandfather sitting in a chair with the dog, with what looked like a rifle in his lap. “Jesus Christ!”, I said, “he’s got a gun!”

Jack explained it was just a bee-bee gun, and that his favorite passtime was to shoot squirrels with it.

Clint and I went back to his apartment, to get some sleep. Sitting on his sofa I turned to TV on. What the hell was this crap? There were a few familiar channels, E! Entertainment Television, Comedy Central, Fox News. But as I flipped through the channels I noticed something. Here was a Baptist preacher talking. And another. And another. And another. Then there were two old guys on a boat fishing. Then channel after channel after channel of football games. None of them the NFL. All of them college games. What the hell is this?

I figured I’d better not think too much about it and went to sleep.

A few days later we visited Sam at his apartment. He was throwing a party, and both Clint and I were anxious to get out and do something. Clint and I are both anarcho-syndicalist leftists, and Sam was a leftist. The difference though is that Clint grew up here in Northern Virginia, while Sam had lived in Alabama most of his life. All of us are into punk rock, and within that culture you find quite a large number of left-wing radicals. Within the punk community there is a general disdain for sports, but a friend of Sam’s called him, to argue with him over who was going to win tomorrow’s college football game.

“People make phone calls over this stuff?” I asked Clint. Clint laughed and nodded. On the phone, Sam said to his friend, “oh you won’t want to watch the second half because Alabama is going to kick LSU’s ass.” At which point his friend hung up on him. Sam said, “sorry, I have a friend who’s a big LSU fan.” I said, “what the fuck is LSU?”

Later that evening I was talking to Sam’s girlfriend Sarah, who was also a punker, and who seemed to me to be a pretty fun and nice person. Somehow, the subject of Rosa Parks’ passing came up, and Sarah said, “oh Rosa Parks”, rolling her eyes. “She was just a person. She didn’t do anything.”

Clint looked uneasily at me, shrugged his solders and said, “that’s Alabama for you.” Later Sarah told me, “oh, I’m not a racist,” but then made fun of someone who was at the party because he was “a little Jew.” My guess that this was pretty much in all good fun, and no menace was meant by it, but it would never occur to me to even ponder someone’s faith, much less might light of it. And like I said, Sarah is a very sweet person, and I thoroughly enjoyed her company, but I wonder if I would have if I had been born black or Jewish.

Later, I was smoking outside, and I struck up a conversation with a guy who I did not know. He asked me if I had ever visited some restaurant that I had never heard of. I told him, that no I hadn’t, but of course, I was just visiting from Virginia. He said I should go before I leave, saying you can get some damn good turtle there.

“Turtle?” I asked.

“Yeh,” he explained. “You never had turtle before? That’s good eattin’. Squirrel too.”

“Well, I’m sure it is pretty good, but I wouldn’t ever know, since I’m a vegatarian.” I told him.

“Really?!?” he asked, a bit perplexed. He paused for a moment and said slowly, “I don’t mean any offense by this, but are you a queer?”

Time to leave. I headed back to Clint’s apartment. The next night, thinking over the party’s conversations, I told Clint, “you know, Sam’s a pretty cool guy, but it just seems weird as shit seeing a punker watch football on TV.”

“You have no idea.” Clint told me. He explained that around here if you didn’t watch football you were considered “some kind of alien.” He said the biggest thing around here was if you’re an Alabaster or Alabama fan.

Clint went on to explain that the big thing around here is how well “The Crimson Tide” is doing.

“The Crimson what?” I asked.

The Birmingham News is actually the most prestigious newspaper in town.
The only other newspaper I found was The Pelham Reporter,
which was one of the shoddiest local rags I've ever seen.

Clint nodded, “The Crimson Tide. That’s what they call Alabama’s football team. The other day on the radio, on a freaking fishing program where people call in, they had a 15 minute debate over whether or not this kid who’s in high school, is gonna go to college in Mississippi, or if he’s gonna play football for Alabama.”

Clint continued, “just the other day at work, I was delivering a pizza to this guy’s house and this old guy said, ‘thanks boy. Roll Tide!’ That’s what they say all the time around here. They say, ‘Roll Tide’, when they mean they’re rooting for Alabama.

Noting that my jaw had dropped to my toes, Clint continued, “it gets better. Jennifer went to a graveyard a few weeks ago, and in big huge letters on top of this guy’s headstone were the words, ‘Roll Tide.’”

And that’s life in Alabama.

Eleven days after I arrived, I left the state like a guy making a prison break. On my way home, it occurred to me that the problem was that after the Civil War, Reconstruction was never finished. We don’t need to rebuild Iraq. We need to rebuild the South. Maybe this time we can actually civilize the savages.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

20 Things To Do Before You Die...If You're A Nutcase

  1. Superglue a friend's hands to their hair and put itching powder in their pants.
  2. Steal a valuable painting and take a piss on it in a public alley.
  3. Go to a Mexican donkey show and root for the donkey.
  4. Cast a ballot for somebody that’s actually worth voting for.
  5. Superglue the locks on the doors of a big box store.
  6. Go hunting and aim for anything wearing orange.
  7. Throw a rock through the window of a cable news building and see if they report it.
  8. Buy an old used computer and take it to a football field at night and set it on fire.
  9. Shave all the hair off your body, using honey instead of shaving cream.
  10. Rent a cabin in the middle of the woods and smoke 5 kilos of marijuana.
  11. Get completely shit-faced in a bar and puke on a transvestite.
  12. Walk up to a complete stranger and tell them they have nice tits, even if it’s a guy.
  13. Make a model of the Statue of Liberty with your own feces, and throw it at a politician.
  14. Make a pipe bomb and leave it in a car in a crowded market the day after Thanksgiving.
  15. Masturbate to completion twenty times in one day.
  16. Steal a walker from an elderly person and demand that they tap dance.
  17. Have sex with someone you used to have a crush on back when they were still alive.
  18. Wrap a Barbie doll in barbed wire and give it to a small child as a gift.
  19. Strap a toilet to the roof of your car and put a large American flag in it.
  20. Offer dental floss to a shark with rabies.